If She Buys You a Man Crate…

I want this guy to punch himself in the face

If she buys you a Man Crate, she either doesn’t know what a man is, or she does but doesn’t consider you one. And if you’re happy to get the Man Crate, she may be right. Boys play with toys which resemble the real things they will do as men. Man Crates are toys created for adult men in a society which has become so speciously safe and comfortable, the practical strengths of men become nothing more than a pathetic caricature of something that once was, but is now spiralling away out of memory. Picture a woman pretending to be a man, with her baseball hat on sideways, her baggy plaid shirt, and her saying, “yo” and “dude” a lot — this is the Man Crate.

Imagine a “Woman Crate”. What would that look like? A make-up crate? A cooking crate? A busy business woman crate? Breast feeding crate? Adult women already do those kinds of things as part of their normal lives. So when we have to buy men toys so that they can pretend to do manly things, what does that say about what men are doing in their normal lives?

Let’s consider one of the Man Crate products: The Knife Making Kit. Firstly, some Man Crates actually come in a wooden box which has to be pried open with a little crow bar. Aside from being a pointless waste of time, I wonder how much that unnecessarily adds to the cost?

The knife kit comes with a pre-made knife which simply needs the handle glued on and shaped. So you’re not actually making a knife. You’re only given some cheap tools to assemble a factory made one.

Look at the product description…

Ask any honest farmhand, Japanese chef, or the two most dangerous ninja turtles, and they'll tell you a sharp blade is the most virtuous and versatile tool a man can wield. A trusty, fixed blade won't bend, break, or stray from its owner's side; when the going gets tough, the tough get cut.

Ninja turtles? Come on. The tough get cut? What does that mean? The tough cut themselves?

But unlike men and Socialist paychecks, not all knives are created equal. We've found that the knives guys trust the most are ones they make themselves. The Knife Making Project Kit gives every guy the opportunity to design, craft, and perfect his new best friend.

I’m not sure what the odd reference to Socialist paychecks is doing here, but I am sure Man Crate knives are indeed created equal — factory precision uniform equality. You can be sure you will not be designing anything here. But at least your knife can be your new little buddy.

A dependable knife should instill fear and apprehension into its foes, not its handler, so we've included all the tools needed to rid it of stray splinters and extraneous wood.

No man assembling this knife has “foes”. And a few splinters could probably do him some good.

Well, I should probably just relax and not be so critical. If a loved one bought one of these things for me, I’m not going to get angry at them about it. I might even be dumb enough to buy their Personalized Pint Ammo Can, but hopefully not.

Save the Man Crate Knife for your twelve year old son — that’s who toys are for. You need to go and forge your own knife like a grown up.

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