A Summary of the Actions of the Future President
by Harley Voogd
For some reason, which seemed good to him at the time, Barak Obama installed a self destruct button into the desk in the Oval Office which will, when pushed, destroy life in America as everyone knows it.
Donald Trump, if elected, will do his best never to push the button. He really doesn’t want to push it. However, political scientists have determined that there is a 70% chance that he will push it. It won’t be done on purpose of course, but Trump will blunder somehow and, in a single act of carelessness, destroy America.
Perhaps, while eating lunch, he’ll forget the true purpose of the button, and push it thinking it will call in the servants to bring more hot sauce for his tacos. Or, maybe one of the life size gold statues of himself will fall on to the desk, crush it, and activate the self destruct sequence. Or maybe, when the American people are angry with him, he’ll post a picture of himself on Twitter with his finger only an inch away from the button including the text message: “I’ll do it America. So help me. I’ll do it”. Then, after sending the tweet, the phone will slip out of his greasy fingers and hit the button. We just don’t know.
Hopefully, Trump will surround himself with people with quick reflexes to stop him. Perhaps they’ll appoint full time button watchers to remain in the Oval Office at all times to protect the nation.
Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, can’t wait to get into the office and hit that button. After her victory, when all the celebrating is finished, she will religiously act out a ritual she’s been planning for the last eight years. She will walk into the Oval Office alone and quietly close the door behind her. She will walk around the room with a satisfactory smile on her face. She’ll raise her arms to waist height, spin around a few times and say, while cackling, “It’s mine. It’s all mine.” She’ll sit at the desk, lean back, and nod her head as she surveys the office again. Then, clapping her hands three times, a team of lesbian feminists, wearing #shoutyourabortion t-shirts, will parade into the room and encircle the desk. Hillary will lift her hands and the followers of Sappho will begin clapping and cheering. She will extend her finger. The cheering will grow louder. Then, Hillary will slowly bring her finger down to the button, close her eyes, and with an orgasmic expression on her face, push it, and hold it for several seconds. The lesbian feminists will screech with the same pleasure. The rest is x-rated.
Or… they could just uninstall the button. But, no one will think of that.